Tuesday, February 28, 2017

I Miss You - A poem

I am actually in a good mood. I just had an amazing night talking to a group of somewhat older people at a party. It was more like they told stories and I listened and drank it up. We talked about music, and the military, and told stories. Not of the glory days, or not just the glory days, because despite the fact that they were older, they were still amazing and active.
Anyways, this came to me just now and I wanted to share with you:


Sometimes I think I miss memories
more than people
I miss possibilities, and maybe's, and what if's
The wish that you could be at my door
Saying hello or goodby
but not for long
For just washed hair
and rumpled beds
For tv dinners and smelly farts.
For fights and cries.
Being 30 and alone kinda sucks
Because I miss you
my little shadow
The one who follows me into every movie
with a love scene.
The one who whispers
in my ear
Sweet dreams
that never come
Because I...
want that
That right there.
And it never comes...
Sloppy kisses, and amazing cuddles
Because I miss you
and I don't even know you

I started my day in a bad mood:
So a little something personal about me: I'm single, and thirty. I may be single for the rest of my life. That is fine. That might be what God wants and I trust him.
Let me also say this: no amount of "Your wonderful heather's" or "Your beautiful" or "Any guy would be lucky to have you" will change those days where I am just plain heart renchingly, can barely drive, lonely.  On those days, because I've never been kissed, I've never truly felt like this guy is mine, and I am his, it is super hard to trust God. It is super hard to say, God has it in his hands. I'm a huge romantic and those days are torture. On those days, I have to ask myself, would God torture me, would God give a romantic an empty heart? That's an answer I don't know.
But that is the whole realm of faith right there. Jesus went to the garden of  Gethsemane knowing he was about to be physically and spiritually tortured. Remember, God turned His head away from Jesus. That would have been worse than the physical. He KNEW this was going to happen and he still said, "Your will be done".

So, here on this forum I say Your will be done Abba. I will trust you.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Honest Truth

“The truth shall set you free.” I try very hard to keep to that mantra and be honest on here towards you about me. I think a lot of people get a bit preachy but forget that we make great examples for what God does in lives.

Well, here is my honesty bit: I do not feel great lately. I'm perfectly healthy. As with most things that I talk about on my blog, it has to do my relationship with God. Now, let me get one thing straight: God has been amazing towards me. I have new friends in my yet again new place, I have my family who loves me, I have a good job, and I'm not hurting in the physical. This has been an amazing year with so much too it.

I put a wall up. The details are incredibly personal for why I did so, but I thought I was putting that wall up against something else. I told myself and God never again, and what I was really telling God was: “I don't trust you.”

Over the past year I have felt a growing distance from God. Let me make it understood how tragic that feels. God is the center of me. My meness comes from Him. He's been my best friend since I was a teenager. He told me dirty jokes (I was at church when a dirty joke popped into my head unannounced). He reminded me of things I forgot like my purse or to pay someone. He gave me hope. Then, as I got older, and started making friends, he wooed me. He tapped into my romantic side. It was like he was singing to me when I was on the 8th deck of my ship looking at the stars. In answer, this wall flower has danced before him in absolute joy. I would read His words and soak it in like it was sweetest smell in the world, or the best taste. I gorged on Isaiah, Psalms, and John.

Now, I almost feel nothing when I read His words. There is no delight. The sense of wonder is lost. I want to say two things to that.

First, it's my fault. I thought I was closing my heart to things that were hurting me but I seemed to have closed my heart to Abba (daddy). I lost my trust in Him. Lost my trust in the maker of the universe who made the beautiful rose. I forgot that, though he may be my best friend, He is also the epic cool, creator who creates with his very breath. I forgot about the one who wooed me up on the 8th deck of my old ship, with stars, joy, and whispers. I forgot that if He finds that much joy in such a simple small human being like me (if you are still and listen than you can feel it – God finds joy in us), than he will move mountains to bring me joy. I'm not saying it's going to go exactly how I want it. I doubt that those being persecuted in China or the Middle East wanted to be, but I will bet my life that, if Christ is the center of their lives, He is giving them joy and it is indescribable.

The second one is this. The choice to follow Jesus is an epic relationship. Like any relationship, it is going to have it's low point. It's going to have those moments when we just don't feel it. A lot of times, it is our fault, like in my case, but it sometimes isn't. Sometimes there is a different not understood reason. That is where the perseverance and hard work comes in. Yes Christ did all the hard work in dying on the cross. Your done! But, like any relationship, you can't just walk away from God when it gets tough, and give up. Still talk to Him, even if it feels like you are talking to a wall. Still read the Bible, even when it feels like this very long legal draft. Still go out to that quiet place that is just between you and Him. I promise this: God will not leave you or forsake you. He is there. He never left.

Thank you. I needed to say those things... mostly to myself.

Saturday, December 5, 2015


I began a new blog on a hard note: Fear. In the past month, we've had a lot to be afraid of and I've heard quite a few people voicing those fears, both Christian and non-Christian. People speaking of Christianity in one post and voicing their fear in two others. This, my friends, is not right. I am mostly going to address the Christians because God has a lot to say about all this.

First: what is fear? It's a lack of faith that God has it all under control. That he doesn't know what to do. The Bible speaks over and over about hard times. About people treating Christians terribly. This sudden idea, that I've been getting from people, that we should stop allowing in the refugees, that we should post comments on social media sites that give the idea that anyone not like us or has an affiliation at all to the evil going in the world, should be austricized or feared. Here is my message to you:

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Luke 12:4-5 "I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after your body has been killed, has authority to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him.

Me note: Bad stuff was about to get real for the Christians, when Jesus said that. Romans started using Christians as candles in the coliseum for goodness sake.
James 1:27 Pure and undefiled religion in the sight of our God and Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world.

Lastly and most notably,

Matthew 25: 30-46 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’
“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’
“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’
“They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’
“He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’
“Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

I don't think I have to say anything else.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Same Love


This particular blog has been on my mind for awhile, but I was a bit skittish about writing it.
The whole argument on homosexuality. The internet and hollywood has been blowing up about it. I used to have fairly firm beliefs on it. Now I don't and I think that was on purpose by my Father.
I'm going to begin by saying that I don't know the answer to that question. I can't read God's mind and he isn't being extremely forthcoming on it to me.
At any case here's my thinking:

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 
1 John 4:7-12

Note: In the Greek ( http://www.scripture4all.org/OnlineInterlinear/NTpdf/1jo4.pdf ) Agape means to love unconditionally. That is the type of love used in this passage.

"If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:1-7

The above isn't exactly my argument but the foundation. I think we need to know first: God is Agape (unconditional love). The above is a definition of what that means. God expects us to show Agape. It is a verb. It is an action. It takes work. This is how we should view and treat those who see things different than us. This is how we should view and treat others even when it is hard. 

Now for my thought that came from the above song in the link.
Mary Lambert sings these words in both versions:

"And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
And I can't change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to
My love, my love, my love
She keeps me warm [x4]

This statement rings completely true in my ears.

The people of the LGBT identify strongly with their sexuality. They consider it to be a part of their identity.

I've heard loads of people say that they struggled for years with addictions, lust, spiriling spiritual whirlpools and it was only God who was able to change them. When someone comes up and says that at the pulpit we all clap. There are tons of sermons out there where pastors say that we can't change without God. That it is God who saves us. We all love to say how we are sinners saved and washed by Christ.

Yet we expect people who identify completely with their sexuality to change.

We either think these people are stronger than all other humans or we got tripped up along the way.

Mary Lambert was right. WE can't change. None of us.
Nor should we expect the LGBT community to change.

Our job is not to point out the fault of others.

"He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.""
Mark 16:15 

Gospel means good news. What is the good news? That Christ died, did all the hard work, and took all our guilt away. 

That the curtain was torn away and we can commune with God. 

That the kingdom of God is with us even now. 

That is what we preach. That God agape's us. Not a single human is exempt because he is agape. He is unconditional love. There is not a single stipulation in that. WE ALL come before him empty handed. Each one of us. 

We preach the gospel: let God handle the rest.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014


“Knowledge puffs up but love builds us. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he aught to know. But the man who loves God is known by God.” 1 Corinthians 8:1b-3

I once read one of the original forms of “Beauty and the Beast” (There are a lot of versions so...). In it the Beast was not just deformed by the fairy but also had most of his smarts taken from him. I'm thinking this was written during the time that the French valued wit over all else. Beauty had to fall in love with him without his smarts and without his looks. There's a blow. I'll admit that this kinda made me frown at the time because I considered smarts such a big deal. I base a lot more of my value than I should on that. The point of that was we are not made up of our ability to say witty comments or talk someone into the ground. That can all go away. We are made up of our loves. That is where we are centered.

There is something that has been getting at me lately because I have seen it quite a bit. Now when I say that, I am admitting fully that sometimes I do this as well and God has to work on me... again.

Self Applauding. A more aggressive version is self-aggrandizing. I see it a lot in the church or wherever people are making a difference. That's the part I want to talk about.

A lot of times when people talk, whether it is about ministry or what is going on with their lives, they puff themselves up. They say something like “God has been using me so extensively. I think my work has been very useful. Just the other day someone told me how God was using me for something.” Notice how much that person mentions God, the work, or others. Now notice how much they mention the words “I” or “me”. When telling people what we are doing with our lives, what are we saying and why are we saying. Like with me. Why do I tell people I've been on a Missionary ship? I hope most of the time it's because it's the most life changing thing in my life. That God showed me so much. That it's a story worth telling. Sometimes it's because: look at me. I went on a missionary ship! Yay me. Not really a worthy thing to boast of when comparing. Gladys Alyward left home and risked her life to travel all the way to China because God told her. Bruce Olsen went down to Brazil as a Teenager and made it home. He had no 1st world amenities. I had Starbucks on board (which that is an awesome thing let me tell you).
Who are we? What are we? People are healed. Others learn. We are training desciples.
That makes us great right?
We are small things who have the great pleasure of having front row seats to see God's work. Every so often God has us play the kazoo or djembe for effect. But boasting over that when there was this amazing violin solo onstage. It makes us look silly and small.

Good night my friends.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Introducing John the Baptist

 This next part is about a person: John the Baptist. John the disciple Jesus doesn’t seem to go into details about the personal lives of the characters in his Gospel. He leaves that to the other Gospel writers. He does, on the other hand, seem to give a lot of background information.

19 Now this was John’s testimony when the Jewish leaders[c] in Jerusalem sent priests and Levites to ask him who he was. 20 He did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, “I am not the Messiah.”
21 They asked him, “Then who are you? Are you Elijah?” Malachi 4:5 "See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the LORD comes.”

He said, “I am not.”

Are you the Prophet?” Deuteronomy 18:15-18: 15 “The Lord your God will raise up for you a prophet like me from among you, from your fellow Israelites. You must listen to him. 16 For this is what you asked of the Lord your God at Horeb on the day of the assembly when you said, “Let us not hear the voice of the Lord our God nor see this great fire anymore, or we will die.”
17 The Lord said to me: “What they say is good. 18 I will raise up for them a prophet like you from among their fellow Israelites, and I will put my words in his mouth. He will tell them everything I command him.”

He answered, “No.”

22 Finally they said, “Who are you? Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?”

23 John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, “I am the voice of one calling in the wilderness, ‘Make straight the way for the Lord.’” Isaiah 40:3 “A voice of one calling: "In the wilderness prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the desert a highway for our God.”
24 Now the Pharisees who had been sent 25 questioned him, “Why then do you baptize if you are not the Messiah, nor Elijah, nor the Prophet?”

26 “I baptize with[e] water,” John replied, “but among you stands one you do not know. 27 He is the one who comes after me, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.”
28 This all happened at Bethany on the other side of the Jordan, where John was baptizing.
I’m going to take a quick detour back to the previous section I analyzed. Though more poetic than this section, John 1:1-18 has an uncanny resemblance to Genesis 1. I think that is purposeful. At least so far, John seems to be trying to connect the old with the new. He does the same here. Instead of using flowery wording, he uses the conversation John the Baptist had with the religious leaders.

John actually has a fascinating story. The most in depth version of John the Baptist's story would probably be Luke. I'm not going to go into it here as that would be a whole other Bible study. It does give the point though that it is always a good idea to look at everything related to a passage in the Bible. The people John the Apostle were talking to were probably already well versed in who were the main characters of the Gospels. John was giving a different view on it not retelling the story verbatim (though if you read the gospels in chronological order, some of it is verbatim to one another, which makes me think they had the same source).

So, there you have it, John the Baptist, a man foretold thousands of years before he was a twinkle in the eye of his parents (or they there's)

The references I gained to the linked Bible passages comes from: http://biblehub.com

Friday, January 10, 2014

In the Beginning

I am writing this edition a little unsure of myself. On one instance, I think learning about the Bible, and sharing our thoughts on the Bible communally is an extremely good idea. On the other side, I tend to have a bit of a big head about my knowledge and ability to read between the lines and I hate doing anything without pure reasons.

That being said, we are all human, and I'm never going to have completely pure reasons for anything. Well not on my own anyways. So, here is a Bible study I did on John 1. I hope you like it. I hope it inspires you to delve deeper into the Bible. I hope you also know that these are my opinions and should be taken as such. I tried to make sure the personal thoughts were pretty obviously apart from the words of John.

The web site I used to help me gleen information was: http://www.scripture4all.org/OnlineInterlinear/Greek_Index.htm

I hope you enjoy.

Here is John 1:1-18

Logos: spoken word
Katelaben: Down-Got; Grasped, overtaken
Para: Beside
phOtizei: IS-LIGHTenING; is-enlightening: 1. give information to somebody: to give clarifying information to somebody 2. free somebody from ignorance: to free somebody from ignorance, prejudice, or superstition
exousian: authority; right

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome[a] it. Side note: These are fighting words. Much of the time we sideways think (like in Star Wars) that evil is stronger than good. In here it doesn’t say evil doesn’t have a foothold, but it does say that it hasn’t overtaken what is good. In a very poetic way it is saying have hope for good is stronger than evil and evil will not overcome good.
There was a man sent from God whose name was John. Side note: the word which is translated here into “sent from” is more accurately translated into “Beside”. As in, God sent John to work beside himself. In other words God sent someone to work with him. Interesting huh? He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. Side note: it seems a better translation would be to enlighten everyone as in to clarify and free from ignorance. This poetry makes a lot more sense now. 10 He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. 11 He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. 12 Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— 13  children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. Side note: This seems to also be able to be translated such: “He gave them the authority of children of God” In ancient times kings had a signet ring. If the king gave said signet ring to another, they gained their authority much like in Esther. I’m thinking that it works the same way with us. We don’t have the physical power of God but we can move mountains because we have been given the authority of children of God. The spirit world sits up and listens. This means we are definitely not pansies.
14 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
15 (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) 16 Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and[b] is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.
Last thoughts: We often say things like the Trinity. Three beings one person. How this works is a bit of a fuddle. From reading this, here is my thought.
If “word” is Logos which means the spoken word or divine will, and that “word” became flesh, as in Jesus, than Jesus was the devine will of God placed into flesh and blood and sent out to enlighten the world as to who God is. Thought provoking huh?