“The truth shall set you free.” I
try very hard to keep to that mantra and be honest on here towards
you about me. I think a lot of people get a bit preachy but forget
that we make great examples for what God does in lives.
Well, here is my honesty bit: I do not
feel great lately. I'm perfectly healthy. As with most things that I
talk about on my blog, it has to do my relationship with God. Now,
let me get one thing straight: God has been amazing towards me. I
have new friends in my yet again new place, I have my family who
loves me, I have a good job, and I'm not hurting in the physical.
This has been an amazing year with so much too it.
I put a wall up. The details are
incredibly personal for why I did so, but I thought I was putting
that wall up against something else. I told myself and God never
again, and what I was really telling God was: “I don't trust you.”
Over the past year I have felt a
growing distance from God. Let me make it understood how tragic that
feels. God is the center of me. My meness comes from Him. He's been
my best friend since I was a teenager. He told me dirty jokes (I was
at church when a dirty joke popped into my head unannounced). He
reminded me of things I forgot like my purse or to pay someone. He
gave me hope. Then, as I got older, and started making friends, he
wooed me. He tapped into my romantic side. It was like he was singing
to me when I was on the 8th deck of my ship looking at the
stars. In answer, this wall flower has danced before him in absolute
joy. I would read His words and soak it in like it was sweetest smell
in the world, or the best taste. I gorged on Isaiah, Psalms, and
John.
Now, I almost feel nothing when I read
His words. There is no delight. The sense of wonder is lost. I want
to say two things to that.
First, it's my fault. I thought I was
closing my heart to things that were hurting me but I seemed to have
closed my heart to Abba (daddy). I lost my trust in Him. Lost my
trust in the maker of the universe who made the beautiful rose. I
forgot that, though he may be my best friend, He is also the epic
cool, creator who creates with his very breath. I forgot about the
one who wooed me up on the 8th deck of my old ship, with
stars, joy, and whispers. I forgot that if He finds that much joy in
such a simple small human being like me (if you are still and listen
than you can feel it – God finds joy in us), than he will move
mountains to bring me joy. I'm not saying it's going to go exactly
how I want it. I doubt that those being persecuted in China or the
Middle East wanted to be, but I will bet my life that, if Christ is
the center of their lives, He is giving them joy and it is
indescribable.
The second one is this. The choice to
follow Jesus is an epic relationship. Like any relationship, it is
going to have it's low point. It's going to have those moments when
we just don't feel it. A lot of times, it is our fault, like in my
case, but it sometimes isn't. Sometimes there is a different not
understood reason. That is where the perseverance and hard work comes
in. Yes Christ did all the hard work in dying on the cross. Your
done! But, like any relationship, you can't just walk away from God
when it gets tough, and give up. Still talk to Him, even if it feels
like you are talking to a wall. Still read the Bible, even when it
feels like this very long legal draft. Still go out to that quiet
place that is just between you and Him. I promise this: God will not
leave you or forsake you. He is there. He never left.
Thank you. I needed to say those
things... mostly to myself.
